PRE-OZ Confrentation Quest: WTA meets King Arthur meets the Federation Grail . . . - TennisForum.com

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post #1 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 6th, 2006, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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PRE-OZ Confrentation Quest: WTA meets King Arthur meets the Federation Grail . . .

(Okay, I’ve been rereading King Arthur, playing games based on King Arthur and watching movies about King Arthur over the X-mas holidays with the kids. So this came to me in lieu of an Aussie Open Confrontation . . .)


(Open in the castle of Queen Serena, who lies sick on her bed. Enter Oracene, dressed in black, as though in mourning).

ORACENE:

Oh, woe! Queen Serena is laid low by some mysterious malady, even as the evil Empress of Switzerland returns to do battle, backed by her legions of yodelers, siege engines that hurl boiling hot chocolate and a host of WTAworld posters!

Where is the Royal Court? Who will come to the aid of my poor baby? Where is the brave Sir Knizzle? The bold Sir Giles? The crafty DarrinBaker? The perspicacious VeeReeFan? The wise Volcana? (NOTE: I know I’ve left out some great Royal Court members, please don’t be offended if I missed you—or if I included you, for that matter!)

SERENA:

Mom, you know they’re all busy helping Venus redecorate the West Wing of the Castle. (The strain of speaking causes Serena to be seized by a fit of violent coughing).

ORACENE:

Of course. The West Wing of the Castle hasn’t looked too good since it was besieged by those nasty Belgians. But what are we to do?

(SUDDENLY, A FLASH OF SMOKE FILLS THE AIR! THE DREADED WITCH QUEEN, LINDSEY Le FAY, EMERGES, HACKING AND COUGHING)

LINDS;

(cough, cough) Fear not, for the sake of TV ratings and because no Russkies are worthy to hold the sacred Federation Grail I have set aside our old rivalry and have come to aid you!

ORACENE:

Can we trust you?

SERENA:

Do we have a choice?

LINDS:
Thanks for the overwhelming vote of confidence. But I have here a recipe for a potion of mystical power that will restore Queen Serena to her former greatness.

ORACENE:

If it’s such a great potion, why don’t you take it yourself?

LINDS:

It requires great time and expense to prepare. It taste nasty. And I’m not the one who got aced by the Soft-Server of Muscovy. Twice.

RENA:

It was an exhibition!

LINDS:

Exhibition, schmexibition. You got served by Lena D.

ORACENE:

Oh, baby, she’s right.

RENA:

Then I will drink this evil potion. Pray, what is made of?

LINDS:

Let’s see . . . (flipping through large spell book)

It will require one set of golden bangs . . . the blood of a vampire bat . . . a pair of Harry Potter glasses . . . a virgin trophy . . . some distilled essence of bitchiness . . . a ruby from a royal crown . . . a leather choker and some pure snow from the highest peak.

ORACENE (busily writes everything down).

Got it. But who shall ride on this quest? All the knights and ladies of our Royal Court are busy . . .

SERENA:

Then bring forth some young squire to earn a knighthood!

ORACENE:

Then, I give you Young Donald, the squire!

(Enter Young Donald, the squire)

DONALD:

Yes, my Queen?

RENA:

“Ride forth on this perilous quest, and bring back these things you see listed here.”

DONALD:

“But where will I find such wondrous things?”

LINDS:

“I’d start with the steppes of Muscovy myself . . . “

(DAYS LATER. YOUNG DONALD HAS RIDDEN FOR A LONG TIME. DIRT AND DUST COVERS HIS ARMOR. HIS HORSES HEAD DROOPS. HE ARRIVES AT A GIANT TOWER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STEPPES OF MUSCOVY, AND POUNDS ON THE DOOR WITH THE BUTT OF HIS SWORD.

MOMENTS LATER, LENA D’S HEAD EMERGES FROM THE TOWERS ONLY WINDOW, WHICH IS AT LEAST 30 FEET UP.)

LENA D:

“Hello? Who is it?”

DONALD:

“Tis, I, Donald, a Squire from the Court of Queen Serena. And who am I addressing?”

LENA D:

“I am called Elena of the Weak Hands, for in truth I can barely hold a serve. I am kept locked in this impenetrable tower by my Mommy Vera.”

DONALD:

“You mean your wicked stepmommy Vera, for who else would treat so fair a maiden so cruelly?”

LENA D:

“No, she’s my real Mommy.”

DONALD:

“Then I must rescue you . . .

LENA D:

“No, it’s okay. I like it here.”

DONALD:

“I see your hair is passing fair. Have you any bangs?”

LENA D.

“I used to. But Mommy Vera says bangs are for little girls. Now that I’m a big girl I don’t have bangs any more.”

DONALD:

“Without your golden bangs, my quest is undone already!”

LENA D:

“Okay, tell you what. The tour’s about to start, I’ll come done from the Tower, and as we tour I’ll grow my bangs out again. Okay?”

DONALD:

“I am yours to command, fair maiden.”

(LENA D LOWERS HERSELF TO THE GROUND USING HER OWN THICK PLAIT OF HAIR AS A ROPE. SHE IS DRESSED IN HER CINDERELLA COSTUME)

LENA D:

“Well, isn’t this romantic. Being rescued, even if it is just from Mommy Vera for a couple of days. What’s next on your quest?

DONALD:

“The blood of a vampire bat.”

LENA D:

“Eeewwww! Gross! But I know where we can get some. In fact, you’re lucky you came to me first, for I’m the only one who could help you.

DONALD AND LENA RIDE FOR MANY DAYS BEFORE COMING TO THE FOOTHILLS OF THE MOUNTAINS. THEY NOW STAND BEFORE A DECREPIT CASTLE. CRACKS APPEAR IN ALL THE WALLS, THE PORTCULLIS IS RUSTED OPEN, A GREAT RUSTY KNOCKER HANGS FROM A ROTTING WOODEN DOOR.

A SIGN PLANTED IN THE DIRT OUTSIDE THE DOOR READS “NO VISITORS ACCEPTED BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6 A.M. AND 6 P.M." AS DONALD AND LENA DISMOUNT, THE LAST RAYS OF SUNSHINE SLIP FROM THE SKY AND IT BEGINS TO RAIN.

LENA D:

Is perfect timing!

DONALD:

This place gives me the creeps. Why are we here?

LENA D:

Don’t be such an American ‘fraidy cat. Knock on the door.

DONALD PULLS BACK THE KNOCKED AND HITS THE DOOR WITH IT. A BOOM ECHOES THROUGHOUT THE CASTLE, AND A GARGOYLE FALLS FROM A BATTLEMENT, NEARLY CRUSHING OUR KNIGHT AND LADY. AS DONALD DRAWS BACK TO HIT THE DOOR AGAIN, THE KNOCKER COMES OFF IN HIS HAND. JUST THEN, NASTYA’S FACE APPEARS, BLOODLESS AND PALE IN A BROKEN OPENING OF THE DOOR.

NASTYA:

What the fuck do you want?

LENA D:

It’s me! How are you Nastya?

NASTYA:

That doesn’t look like your mother.

LENA D:

Of course that’s not Mommy Vera! It’s Donald. He’s on a knightly quest! Isn’t it romantic?

NASTYA:

You’re fucking kidding me.

DONALD:

Hello Countess. I’m sorry about your knocker.

NASTYA:

Don’t worry. I’ve been after Jens to fix that fucking thing for weeks.

NASTYA TURNS AND YELLS BACK INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE CASTLE:

Hey, fucking Jens! The fucking doorknocker is fucking broken again.

LENA D:

Don’t be fooled by her coarse language. She’s really quite sweet.

NASTYA:

Yes. I’m only rude to FUCKING JENS because he is big pain in neck. Is joke. Get it?
(NASTYA SMILES TO REVEAL HER FANGS)

DONALD:

Please Countess, we need the blood of a vampire bat.

NASTYA:

But bats are so cute and cuddly. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have blood of fucking useless coach?

DONALD:

Is he a vampire?

NASTYA LOOKS AT DONALD AS IF HE’S JUST SAID THE STUPIDEST THING IMAGINABLE.

NASTYA:

Fucking Jens? A Vampire? No fucking way.

LENA D:

Now, Nastya, you know you still owe me a pizza from last year. And I’ve just decided I want one with Vampire blood. And pepperoni.

NASTYA:

I think pizzas are only for finals . . .

LENA D.:

Nastyaaaaaa . . .

NASTYA:

All right, all right. I’ll send fucking Jens for a fucking pizza. Should only take him two or three times to get it right . . . hey, what the fuck are you doing with your hair?

LENA D:

I’m growing back my bangs.

NASTYA:

Fucking blondes. There’s just no understanding them. Well, come in for a drink while we wait for Jens . . .

A FEW HOURS LATER, NASTYA, LENA D. AND A VERY PALE DONALD EMERGE FROM THE CASTLE, DONALD CARRYING THE PIZZA AS THOUGH IT WERE A SHIELD. THEY CLIMB ABOARD NASTYA’S HEARSE. JENS IS DRIVING.

LENA D:

I’m so glad you’re coming too, Nastya! We can have sleepovers, and tell secrets and play Mystery Knight Date and . . .

NASTYA:

Move over Jens. I will drive us to Nadia’s Garden.

LENA D:

No, please, anything but that . . .

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Max
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post #2 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 6th, 2006, 10:38 PM
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Quote:
NASTYA:

What the fuck do you want?

LENA D:

It’s me! How are you Nastya?

and

Quote:
LINDS:

It requires great time and expense to prepare. It taste nasty. And I’m not the one who got aced by the Soft-Server of Muscovy. Twice.
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post #3 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 6th, 2006, 10:46 PM
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This is way too good! XD I can't stop laughing. Lena is now a big girl, and big girls don't have bangs.

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post #4 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 6th, 2006, 11:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax
a pair of Harry Potter glasses . . . a virgin trophy . . . some distilled essence of bitchiness . . . a ruby from a royal crown . . . a leather choker and some pure snow from the highest peak
Looking forward to know where these will be found. I have some guesses, but I don't want to ruin this for other people.

You've done these threads before. Ever thought of making a compilation, or a "best of", at least?

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post #5 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 6th, 2006, 11:38 PM
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u should write a fricking book
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post #6 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 01:25 PM
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What in the holy flying fuck is this thread doing on page fucking 8?

Bump this fucker. And keep bumping it until Miffed finishes. And find Miffed and chain him to his computer. Tell him he gets food only when he writes a new installment (but give him all the drinks he wants).

That's an order, people! Come on, let's move!
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post #7 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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NASTYA’S HEARSE COMES TO A SKIDDING, SCREECHING HALT ON THE BANKS OF A WIDE RIVER. THE WHEELS OF THE HEARSE SNAP OFF AND ROLL IN DIFRERENT DIRECTIONS. LENA D. AND YOUNG DONALD ARE EJECTED AND ROLL TO A STOP INCHES FROM THE WATER. BOTH ARE VERY PALE AND SCARED.

A VOICE CALLS TO THEM.

Hey! Has Nastya been feeding on you? It’s so saaaaaaddd!

Lena D:

Worse. She was driving.

Nastya:

Ha ha. Very fucking funny.

Jens:

Now you must proceed on horse . . .

Nastya:

Fuck you! Nobody talks about riding horses around me!

NASTYA HITS JENS OVER THE HEAD WITH A RACKET. HE REMAINS UNFAZED.

YOUNG DONALD LOOKS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE VOICE.

Donald:

Here is a great mystery—a beautiful girl who sits alone on an island, cut off in a river of her own tears.

Lena D:

That’s no mystery! That’s Bepa! Hi Bepa, it’s me, Lena D!

Bepa:

Oh! It’s so nice of you to come visit me! (more tears)

Lena D:

I’m on a quest with this young knight! Isn’t he brave to go out on such a big quest without his mommy? I hardly go anywhere without Mommy Vera!

Bepa:

Oh, and there’s no way across except the Troll Bridge . . .

Nastya:

Is no problem. Come. We go.

Bepa:

Bye. I’m so sad to see you goooooo. . .

Nastya:

Hurry. Water is rising.

THE GROUP COMES TO A RICKETY BRIDGE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS “STOP. PAY TROLL.”

AS THE PARTY STARTS TO CROSS, A HORRIBLE, FOUL CREATURE CRIES OUT IN A ODDLY LOW FEMININE VOICE.

Stop! Pay the troll.

NOISE OF SCRAMBLIN AND SNARLING FROM UNDER THE BRIDE AND THE CREATURE EMERGES.

Lena D:

Oh no! It’s Mary Carilltroll!

Mary:

Yes! And now you must pay a toll of $1 million or I will relentlessly criticize you! Take that, little miss can’t serve! You’d be a good player if you could just serve! But your serve is terrible.

Lena D:

Stop it! Stop it! I hate my serve! I want Mommy Vera!

LENA D. STARTS TO CRY

NASTYA PULLS OUT HER F.O. TROPHY.

How many of these did you win?

Mary:

What? That’s not fair I . . . I . . .

NASTYA:

I have won 14.

Mary:

No, you’ve only won one.

Nastya:

That’s what I said. Also, I am a big fan of football.

Mary:

Yes. I see.

Nastya:

But I don’t watch it. It’s boring. Now let’s eat some sushi. It’s my favorite food.

Mary:

Sushi? What? You’re trying to confuse me!

Nastya:

Look, do you want exclusive interview with me or not? I am hungry and want to visit McDonalds. I love hamburgers more than anything else.

Mary:

No! I can’t keep your stories straight.

Nastya:

I think blondes are stupid and boring. That’s Lena D. is my best friend. We don’t talk much any more. We have a terrible rivalry and never see each other. That’s why we hang out together all the time.

THE TROLL PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER EARS.

No! No! You keep contradicting yourself!

Nastya:

Masha is a fraud and I hate her. She could never play for Russia, although she is a great champion and I’d be happy to have her on the Fed Grail team.

Mary:

Ahhh! The horse pictures . . .

Nastya:

I was not really naked in them. Even though I was naked, there were only women present on the set. Except for the photographer. I enjoyed posing, although I wish I had never done it.

I'm playing more doubles so I can concentrate on my singles. I hate traveling and love to see new places and meet new people. . .

THE CARILLTROLL IS SO CONFUSED IT STUMBLES OFF THE BRIDGE AND FALLS INTO THE RIVER.

Lena D:

Wait . . . I’m a blonde . . .

Nastya:

Yes. I love blondes. Sometimes I wish I was blonde.

YOUNG DONALD:

Well, if the tennis thing doesn’t work out, she can always go into politics.

Lena D:

Look! The bridge leads right into Nadia’s lovely garden! She has a pet donkey who lives with her and is very cute. But the poor little donkey is lame. It’s so sad. Nadia’s boyfriend is so sweet to take care of the poor little donkey, don’t you think? Mommy Vera says I can have a boyfriend when I’m 30.

YOUNG DONALD LOOKS AT NASTYA QUIZZICALY.

Nastya (whispers)

Somebody told her Nadia’s boyfriend had a nice ass and then Mommy Vera called poor Alonya a lame ass and well, welcome to blonde world. But here is where you can find your virgin trophy.

Donald:

Fair Lady, I must ask of you a great boon, that you give me that trophy which I see in your garden.

Nadia:

But it’s my first trophy. My only WTA title . . .

Lena D:

Isn’t your first time so special? I remember mine. I was so nervous I was shaking like a leaf. Oh, I was afraid! I just wanted to close my eyes and wait for it to end . . .

Nadia:

For me it was just the most wonderful feeling. I’ve never felt anything so. . . so. . . yummy! I never wanted it to end, and when it did, I wanted to do it again and again . . .

Donald:

Are they talking about tennis or . . .

Nasty:

Those two? Tennis for sure.

Donald:

But I must have a virgin trophy . . .

Nastya:

Did you get check?

Nadia:

Yes . . .

Nastya:

So who gives a fuck about the trophy? Let nice boy have it. You can get another one.

Nadia:

Oh, Nastya, do you really think I can win another tournament so soon?

Nastya:

No, I meant you could pay to buy a copy of your trophy. But I suppose your way might work, too.

Lena D:

How come when I win a tournament the check is always made out to Mommy Vera?

Donald:

I promise to return your cup if I can . . .

Nadia:

All right. If Lena D. is helping you on your quest, it must be very chaste and pure.

NASTYA ROLLS EYES.

Nadia:

But promise to bring it back. And to be my mixed doubles partner some day.

Donald:

Oh, thank you fair maiden!

Nastya:

And now you must ride. I will fly. I will never be seen on a horse again.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
"I read on the internet that there is something chipmunky about me :-)"--Andrea H.[/SIZE]
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Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs
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post #8 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 02:28 PM
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post #9 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 03:04 PM
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Max d00d, that was quite possibly the most brilliant original material I have ever read on any message board. The highlights are too numerous to list.

Even if the jokes weren't so good, you've got Nastya down to a T.

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post #10 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 03:28 PM
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great. that must have taken you a while, would nice to see some other players apart from russains...lol.

only joking, its your story!
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post #11 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 03:34 PM
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Quote:
Lena D:

Isn’t your first time so special? I remember mine. I was so nervous I was shaking like a leaf. Oh, I was afraid! I just wanted to close my eyes and wait for it to end . . .

Nadia:

For me it was just the most wonderful feeling. I’ve never felt anything so. . . so. . . yummy! I never wanted it to end, and when it did, I wanted to do it again and again . . .

Donald:

Are they talking about tennis or . . .

Nasty:

Those two? Tennis for sure.
I'm loving this

Елена Вячеславовна Дементьева
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post #12 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 06:15 PM
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::::brings Miffed some food::::

Brilliant. Love it.
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post #13 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 9th, 2006, 06:37 PM
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:rotf: :lmfao: :creampants:


That shit is amazing. Keep writing it man.
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post #14 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 10th, 2006, 02:52 AM
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LOL i love the bit when Nastya is contradicting herself

so 4? 5? more episodes to go? keep writing
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post #15 of 69 (permalink) Old Jan 10th, 2006, 03:18 PM
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bump.

C'mon Max!

Елена Вячеславовна Дементьева
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