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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 12:40 AM Thread Starter
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Fed Cup Locker Room Thread

Inside the USA Locker Room:
(Zina Garrison, Venus, Mashona, Corina and Serena in a cheerleading outfit)

Zina Garrison: I'm afraid I've got bad news, Lindsay Davenport has withdrawn from the Fed Cup, and will now be replaced by Jill Craybas

(Jill enters and is immediately knocked out by Serena)

Serena: How dare you beat me at Wimbledon bitch!

Zina Garrison: Jill Craybas has had to withdraw and will now be replaced by Angela Haynes

(Angela enters and is immediately knocked out by Serena)

Serena: How dare you beat me at Wimbledon bitch!

Mashona: Erm, she didn't beat you Serena

Corina: She did take a set from you though

Serena: Really? I don't play tennis very often these days so I find it hard to remember...

Venus: You do remember that I won Wimbledon don't you?

Serena: That was 4 years ago, get over it girl I took it from you remember?

Venus: No, I won it again this year, I beat Maria in the semis and Lindsay in the final...

Serena: Nah, that was me at the Australian Open...you really need to stop watching my matches and play some tennis of your own lil' sis...

Venus: I'm your big sister...

Serena: Well I don't want to be around you when you're in one of these moods...

Meanwhile in Belgium:

Kim: Wow you've decided to play Fed Cup this year after all Justine?

Justine: Definitely, I want to do my bit to help ze country...

Kim: Great, I promised that we'd scrub the locker room and showers completely...

Justine: Great I'll get to work..........................................oh I think ze virus iz kicking in again, I need to lie down...

(Kim and Els meanwhile clean the entire locker room by themselves)

Kim: Gee, that was hard work, but we've been given free ice creams for our hard work and dedication to our country...

Justine: Allez! I think ze virus is wearing off...give me ze ice cream

Kim: You didn't help so you don't get an ice cream cone

Justine: If you give me one I will let you win in our next slam final

Kim: I don't need you to let me win, because you were so rude I'm going to eat both ice cream cones at the same time to spite you...
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(Kim starts choking)

------------------

Sorry, not as good as some of the others...
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 12:44 AM
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 12:45 AM
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LMFAO!! Aight, you got down with that one. I haven't done one of these since the French Open, but let me ze what I ken cume up vit.

Dammitt, Venus!!!
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 12:51 AM
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OMG!that was too funny!


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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 12:52 AM
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Excellent.

Venus and Serena are sitting on top of the WORLD

~Venus and now Serena are the worst thing to ever happen to the crow~

Official POPLOCKER of the Royal Court
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 01:13 AM
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To her surprise, Venus finds a tape recorder in her hotel room.....

Mysterious Voice on Tape: "Good afternoon, Miss Williams. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to defeat both of Russia's top operatives, Elena Dementieva and Anastasia Myskina, on their best surface in front of their home crowd, and without the services of Agent Davenport. As always, should you fail, your fans will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds."



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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 01:47 AM
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Venus in US Fed cup Locker Room getting geared up for her matches.

Venus (to herself): "I just won fucking Wimbledon dammit! I just danced with Roger Federer....the greatest man to ever play the game dammit! In a horrible one piece emerald encrusted rain coat that I borrowed from my sister Isha dammit!! I can do this"

Jill enters with a childlike enthusiastic glee: "Hi Venus, I'm replacing Lindsay this round." (extends hand to shake Venus')

Venus: "Umm, who are you, again?"

Jill: "I'm the lucky loser who hit all the balls back against Serena, 'who was not reallySerena' in the 3rd round of Wimbledon this year....don't you remember? We played in the rd of 16."

Venus: "Oh...oh yeah...I was wondering what happened in that round. For some reason, I just can't seem to remember." (shrugs :shrugs

Jill: "I hope Lindsay's gonna be ok"

Venus: "Oh, she'll be fine. You'd better hope you're not in her 1st or 2nd rd at the US Open. She's really tough this year."

Jill with childlike enthusiasm: "I'm just gonna go out there and play my game. I'm confident that I'll be a different person against her than I was in the past. Thanks to Serena."

Venus: "Hey, you've got a point. Things would surely be different now if I hadn't ripped and run Lindsay all around Centre Court which led to an injury time out for a herniated disc in her back after which I eventually won a 25 stroke rally with an accidental crosscourt forehand that landed just inside the line after which Lindsay caught an asthma attack and forcefully handed over the Wimbledon title."

Jill with an enthusiastic childlike grin:"Yes Venus, she probably would have won the 2005 Wimbledon title at the age of 29?"

Venus with an entusiastically confused grin: "Errr, no. She would probably be here helping me kick some Russian ass right now."

Dammitt, Venus!!!

Last edited by HAIL-VENUS; Jul 7th, 2005 at 01:58 AM.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 02:03 AM
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Moscow - Zina Garrison is sitting in an office when the door swings open : it's Billie Jean King

Zina - Billie! What are you doing here?

BJK - I'm here to captain the team

Zina - But....but....Billie the USTA asked me to do it, you resigned remember?

BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won Zina?

Zina - Zero

BJK - Exactly. I'll have an espresso, no sugar and a danish please. The USTA don't have to know about this but you know it makes sense Zina.

*phone rings*

BJK - Billie Jean King, 20 Wimbledon titles and the most important woman in tennis history, how can I help you?

USTA President - Billie? What are you doing there? Zina's captain now.

BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won?

USTA President - Zero

BJK - Thank you. Now who's in my team?

USTA President - That's why I am phoning Billie. Lindsay's had to withdraw. Serena's out. Jennifer's out. Chanda's out. We've got no alternative but to send Jill Craybas.

BJK - No. Send me Angela Haynes.

USTA President - She's injured. Craybas it is.

BJK - GOD NO! Send me........Monica!!

USTA President - Monica's injured. Craybas it is.

BJK - CHRIST NO! Send me......uh.......Martina Navratilova!!!

USTA President - Billie, Martina's 48. Jill is top 100. Craybas it is.

BJK - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't be serious! Send me........PAM!

USTA President - Pam's pregnant with twins

BJK - Hey we're playing against Dementieva. Even one of the fetuses could get her serve back. Pam it is!

USTA Presdent - No Billie. Craybas it is

BJK - NOOOOOOOOOO! We must have SOMEONE! Er.......Chrissie???, Lori???, Mary Joe??? Dear God, not Craybas!

USTA Preisdent - Craybas it is.

BJK - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD PLEASE GOD NO!!! I got it - phone Monique Viele!!

USTA President - Billie.....

BJK - Get Nancy Loeffler to change nationality!!

USTA President - Cray...

BJK - Uh....exhume Helen Wills Moody!!!

USTA President - NO BILLIE! CRAYBAS IT IS! *phone down*

BJK - Well there goes the tie. Let's go tell the players

*Venus, Mashona and Corina are there*

BJK - OK girls, Lindsay's pulled out. They're sending Jill Craybas.

Venus - Who?

BJK - Venus you beat her at Wimbledon.

Venus - I did?

BJK - She beat Serena at Wimbledon!

Venus - That's impossible. Serena told me today she wasn't at Wimbledon. She hasn't been there the last two years. That wasn't her apparently.

BJK - Well anyway, unless we get that permit to exhume Helen Wills or we can convince Nancy Loeffler Caro to change nationality, Jill's on the team. If I was dead I would be spinning in my own grave! It's just a pity I fell out with Jennifer. She would have happily done a 'Nancy Kerrigan' on Jill right about now.

*Jill enters the changing room*

BJK - Oh sorry. We don't speak Russian dear! Beg for money in the Russian room OK sweetie?

Jill - What?

BJK - Someone get a translator in here! A midget Russian beggar's wandered in!

Jill - Billie, what do you mean? It's me - Jill Craybas.

BJK - Dear Lord! You really are that size? I thought you just looked small because I've seen all your matches from a distance. Oh well, we're doomed. Let's just pray for a miracle. It's Fed Cup - anything can happen. Right?


WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Jill Craybas played the first match and double bagelled Anastasia Myskina. Billie Jean King had a heart attack on the captain's bench and was rushed to hospital. What at first was thought to be shock at the result, turned out to be a Big Mac lodged in a heart valve.

Billie appeared to make a miraculous recovery though and was seen sat courtside for the beginning of the next match just 20 minutes later. Venus Williams was still so high on adrenalin after winning Wimbledon that it took her a whole set to realise it was actually Elton John, and not Billie Jean.

Venus Williams defeated Elena Dementieva in straight sets, however Kuznetsova and Petrova won the doubles. Corina Morariu later claimed she was put off by Svetlana's face being THAT close up.

Venus Williams lost the 4th match to Myskina after an old injury flared up in the third game. A doctor later attributed the injury to her jumping celebrations after winning Wimbledon.

Before the 5th rubber was due to start Billie Jean came rushing in announcing that Nancy Loeffler Caro had changed nationality and they could get Jill off the team. Nancy and Elena Dementieva hit an incredible 423 double faults between them including a 67 point double fault streak. Dementieva eventually won 6-7, 7-6, 22-21 retd. after Nancy left the court to give a piano recital in Kentucky. She was seen saying to Billie, "Sorry Billie but $3 an hour is too good to turn down".

Billie Jean King suffered another heart attack and is currently in hospital in Moscow.

Can we talk?!

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

Ricki Lake and Oprah Winfrey have gained and lost 300lbs between them over the years - that's one whole Kirstie Alley!

Last edited by Joan Rivers; Jul 7th, 2005 at 02:20 AM.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 02:12 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan Rivers
BJK - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't be serious! Send me........PAM!

USTA President - Pam's pregnant with twins

BJK - Hey we're playing against Dementieva. Even one of the fetuses could get her serve back. Pam it is!


In fact the whole thing is
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 02:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan Rivers
Moscow - Zina Garrison is sitting in an office when the door swings open : it's Billie Jean King

Zina - Billie! What are you doing here?

BJK - I'm here to captain the team

Zina - But....but....Billie the USTA asked me to do it, you resigned remember?

BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won Zina?

Zina - Zero

BJK - Exactly. I'll have an espresso, no sugar and a danish please. The USTA don't have to know about this but you know it makes sense Zina.

*phone rings*

BJK - Billie Jean King, 20 Wimbledon titles and the most important woman in tennis history, how can I help you?

USTA President - Billie? What are you doing there? Zina's captain now.

BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won?

USTA President - Zero

BJK - Thank you. Now who's in my team?

USTA President - That's why I am phoning Billie. Lindsay's had to withdraw. Serena's out. Jennifer's out. Chanda's out. We've got no alternative but to send Jill Craybas.

BJK - No. Send me Angela Haynes.

USTA President - She's injured. Craybas it is.

BJK - GOD NO! Send me........Monica!!

USTA President - Monica's injured. Craybas it is.

BJK - CHRIST NO! Send me......uh.......Martina Navratilova!!!

USTA President - Billie, Martina's 48. Jill is top 100. Craybas it is.

BJK - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't be serious! Send me........PAM!

USTA President - Pam's pregnant with twins

BJK - Hey we're playing against Dementieva. Even one of the fetuses could get her serve back. Pam it is!

USTA Presdent - No Billie. Craybas it is

BJK - NOOOOOOOOOO! We must have SOMEONE! Er.......Chrissie???, Lori???, Mary Joe??? Dear God, not Craybas!

USTA Preisdent - Craybas it is.

BJK - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD PLEASE GOD NO!!! I got it - phone Monique Viele!!

USTA President - Billie.....

BJK - Get Nancy Loeffler to change nationality!!

USTA President - Cray...

BJK - Uh....exhume Helen Wills Moody!!!

USTA President - NO BILLIE! CRAYBAS IT IS! *phone down*

BJK - Well there goes the tie. Let's go tell the players

*Venus, Mashona and Corina are there*

BJK - OK girls, Lindsay's pulled out. They're sending Jill Craybas.

Venus - Who?

BJK - Venus you beat her at Wimbledon.

Venus - I did?

BJK - She beat Serena at Wimbledon!

Venus - That's impossible. Serena told me today she wasn't at Wimbledon. She hasn't been there the last two years. That wasn't her apparently.

BJK - Well anyway, unless we get that permit to exhume Helen Wills or we can convince Nancy Loeffler Caro to change nationality, Jill's on the team. If I was dead I would be spinning in my own grave! It's just a pity I fell out with Jennifer. She would have happily done a 'Nancy Kerrigan' on Jill right about now.

*Jill enters the changing room*

BJK - Oh sorry. We don't speak Russian dear! Beg for money in the Russian room OK sweetie?

Jill - What?

BJK - Someone get a translator in here! A midget Russian beggar's wandered in!

Jill - Billie, what do you mean? It's me - Jill Craybas.

BJK - Dear Lord! You really are that size? I thought you just looked small because I've seen all your matches from a distance. Oh well, we're doomed. Let's just pray for a miracle. It's Fed Cup - anything can happen. Right?


WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Jill Craybas played the first match and double bagelled Anastasia Myskina. Billie Jean King had a heart attack on the captain's bench and was rushed to hospital. What at first was thought to be shock at the result, turned out to be a Big Mac lodged in a heart valve.

Billie appeared to make a miraculous recovery though and was seen sat courtside for the beginning of the next match just 20 minutes later. Venus Williams was still so high on adrenalin after winning Wimbledon that it took her a whole set to realise it was actually Elton John, and not Billie Jean.

Venus Williams defeated Elena Dementieva in straight sets, however Kuznetsova and Petrova won the doubles. Corina Morariu later claimed she was put off by Svetlana's face being THAT close up.

Venus Williams lost the 4th match to Myskina after an old injury flared up in the third game. A doctor later attributed the injury to her jumping celebrations after winning Wimbledon.

Before the 5th rubber was due to start Billie Jean came rushing in announcing that Nancy Loeffler Caro had changed nationality and they could get Jill off the team. Nancy and Elena Dementieva hit an incredible 423 double faults between them including a 67 point double fault streak. Dementieva eventually won 6-7, 7-6, 22-21 retd. after Nancy left the court to give a piano recital in Kentucky. She was seen saying to Billie, "Sorry Billie but $3 an hour is too good to turn down".

Billie Jean King suffered another heart attack and is currently in hospital in Moscow.

LMFAO!

ROCK ON:
elena dementieva, serena williams, caroline wozniacki, ana ivanovic
david nalbandian, rafael nadal, andy murray, gael monfils, jo-wilfried tsonga
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 04:23 AM
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more more more!

JUSTINE HENIN
ALLEZ!!!

ANASTASIA MYSKINA
Riding the 3AM Rollercoaster


NADIA PETROVA
ANNA-LENA GROENEFELD
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 04:31 AM
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BJK - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't be serious! Send me........PAM!

USTA President - Pam's pregnant with twins

BJK - Hey we're playing against Dementieva. Even one of the fetuses could get her serve back. Pam it is!


The fetus one cracked me up too good job Joan!

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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 07:05 AM
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i would rep u joan rivers but i need to spread some more!!
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old Jul 7th, 2005, 09:43 AM
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Sheer genius ... maybe I'll write one too
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