Moscow - Zina Garrison is sitting in an office when the door swings open : it's Billie Jean King
Zina - Billie! What are you doing here?
BJK - I'm here to captain the team
Zina - But....but....Billie the USTA asked me to do it, you resigned remember?
BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won Zina?
Zina - Zero
BJK - Exactly. I'll have an espresso, no sugar and a danish please. The USTA don't have to know about this but you know it makes sense Zina.
BJK - Billie Jean King, 20 Wimbledon titles and the most important woman in tennis history, how can I help you?
USTA President - Billie? What are you doing there? Zina's captain now.
BJK - How many Grand Slams have you won?
USTA President - Zero
BJK - Thank you. Now who's in my team?
USTA President - That's why I am phoning Billie. Lindsay's had to withdraw. Serena's out. Jennifer's out. Chanda's out. We've got no alternative but to send Jill Craybas.
BJK - No. Send me Angela Haynes.
USTA President - She's injured. Craybas it is.
BJK - GOD NO! Send me........Monica!!
USTA President - Monica's injured. Craybas it is.
BJK - CHRIST NO! Send me......uh.......Martina Navratilova!!!
USTA President - Billie, Martina's 48. Jill is top 100. Craybas it is.
BJK - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't be serious! Send me........PAM!
USTA President - Pam's pregnant with twins
BJK - Hey we're playing against Dementieva. Even one of the fetuses could get her serve back. Pam it is!
USTA Presdent - No Billie. Craybas it is
BJK - NOOOOOOOOOO!
We must have SOMEONE! Er.......Chrissie???, Lori???, Mary Joe??? Dear God, not Craybas!
USTA Preisdent - Craybas it is.
BJK - FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD PLEASE GOD NO!!! I got it - phone Monique Viele!!
USTA President - Billie.....
BJK - Get Nancy Loeffler to change nationality!!
USTA President - Cray...
BJK - Uh....exhume Helen Wills Moody!!!
USTA President - NO BILLIE! CRAYBAS IT IS! *phone down*
BJK - Well there goes the tie. Let's go tell the players
*Venus, Mashona and Corina are there*
BJK - OK girls, Lindsay's pulled out. They're sending Jill Craybas.
Venus - Who?
BJK - Venus you beat her at Wimbledon.
Venus - I did?
BJK - She beat Serena at Wimbledon!
Venus - That's impossible. Serena told me today she wasn't at Wimbledon. She hasn't been there the last two years. That wasn't her apparently.
BJK - Well anyway, unless we get that permit to exhume Helen Wills or we can convince Nancy Loeffler Caro to change nationality, Jill's on the team. If I was dead I would be spinning in my own grave! It's just a pity I fell out with Jennifer. She would have happily done a 'Nancy Kerrigan' on Jill right about now.
*Jill enters the changing room*
BJK - Oh sorry. We don't speak Russian dear! Beg for money in the Russian room OK sweetie?
Jill - What?
BJK - Someone get a translator in here! A midget Russian beggar's wandered in!
Jill - Billie, what do you mean? It's me - Jill Craybas.
BJK - Dear Lord! You really are that size? I thought you just looked small because I've seen all your matches from a distance. Oh well, we're doomed. Let's just pray for a miracle. It's Fed Cup - anything can happen. Right?
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Jill Craybas played the first match and double bagelled Anastasia Myskina. Billie Jean King had a heart attack on the captain's bench and was rushed to hospital. What at first was thought to be shock at the result, turned out to be a Big Mac lodged in a heart valve.
Billie appeared to make a miraculous recovery though and was seen sat courtside for the beginning of the next match just 20 minutes later. Venus Williams was still so high on adrenalin after winning Wimbledon that it took her a whole set to realise it was actually Elton John, and not Billie Jean.
Venus Williams defeated Elena Dementieva in straight sets, however Kuznetsova and Petrova won the doubles. Corina Morariu later claimed she was put off by Svetlana's face being THAT close up.
Venus Williams lost the 4th match to Myskina after an old injury flared up in the third game. A doctor later attributed the injury to her jumping celebrations after winning Wimbledon.
Before the 5th rubber was due to start Billie Jean came rushing in announcing that Nancy Loeffler Caro had changed nationality and they could get Jill off the team. Nancy and Elena Dementieva hit an incredible 423 double faults between them including a 67 point double fault streak. Dementieva eventually won 6-7, 7-6, 22-21 retd. after Nancy left the court to give a piano recital in Kentucky. She was seen saying to Billie, "Sorry Billie but $3 an hour is too good to turn down".
Billie Jean King suffered another heart attack and is currently in hospital in Moscow.