Fed Cup: WTA meets WWE
J.R.: "Hello folks, and welcome to the Wrestling Tennisplayers Association, coming to you live from Moscow, Russia. With me tonight is former heavyweight champion Jerry "The King" Lawler.
King: "It's just great to be here with all these great Russian wrestling fans, but of course I'll be rooting for our American girls. After all, I'm an American, and our women have better puppies as well!"
J.R. "Let's go into the ring for the announcement."
ANNCR: "Your first match is a one fall match. Making her way to the ring, the Number One player in the world, the one, the only, the incredible LINDSAY DAVENPORT!
(Linds enters ring, flexes for the crowd)
ANNCR: "And now, accompanied by her manager, Mommy Vera, the Moscow Mauler, the Queen of Pain, the Serveless Wonder, Elena "the Demented" Dementieva!
(crowd goes wild as Elena runs into the ring)
J.R. "This should be a good one, King!
King: "I wouldn't mind being in a clinch with either one of these battling beauties, J.R."
J.R.: “Dementieva throws a wild forearm and misses! Davenport closes in and applies a Reverse Bukovinan ploughbuster!”
King: “Oooh! This match may already be over!”
J.R. “Oh my! The Russian counters with a Mongolian adnoid stomp! Both women are down!”
King: “That Dementieva can stomp my adnoids any time! What a hottie!”
J.R. “Dementieva on her feet first. . . Davenport rising slowly. Look out, Lindsay! Dementieva spears her into the turnbuckles!
King: “We could see the Russian’s patented “Ponytail Pounding! Her electrifying signature move!
J.R.: “Yes, she’s whipping that head around. . . the ponytail is spinning! One, two, three shots right to Lindsay’s jaw. The big American is glassy eyed! She can’t take much more! Could this be it for the world’s number one?
King: “I don’t believe it! Davenport has caught Dementieva’s ponytail! I’ve never seen anything like it!
JR: Davenport dragging Dementieva to the center of the ring! Lena D. is begging for mercy, but I don’t think she’ll get any from the gutsy American! One! Two! Three!
King: “Just plain old bitch slaps!
JR: Dementieva is actually crying, from pain or embarrassment, I’m not sure!
King: “Ooh! Look out for Mommy Vera! What’s she doing!”
JR: “She’s thrown a tennis racket into the ring, and Dementieva’s got it! Oh, a jab to Davenports gut with the butt of the racket, and Lindsay goes down!
King: “Referee Ted Watts has got to take control of this match!
JR: “He’s moving Dementieva back and starting the ten-count for the illegal foreign object! Dementieva’s trying to stuff the racket in her skirt and pretends its not there! Lindsay shoves Watts out of the way!
King: “She want’s blood, J.R.!
JR: “Dementieva has the racket out! She swings wildly!
King: “Oh no! She hit Watts instead! He’s down! He’s hurt! He may be unconscious!
JR: “Oh my God! Somebody get some medical personnel ringside!”
King: “Meanwhile, the action is out of the ring, as Davenport is all over Mommy Vera! Mommy Vera beating a hurried retreat up the ramp! Now Dementieva’s over the ropes! Oh, Davenport coldcocks her with a chair!
JR: “The shot opened a big gash over Dementieva’s left eye! She’s whoozy! Davenport throws the Russian back in the ring! Now, off the top rope, it’s Davenport with her signature flying forehand smash!
King: “You could hear that one in the last row, JR! What a shot!
JR: “The Russian is out cold! Davenport has her wrapped up! But Ted Watts is still groggy, he’s trying to get to his feet! Davenport gets off Dementieva and pulls Watts over! She’s on top of Dementieva again, but Watts is facing the wrong way! He can’t do a count! He’s still too woozy!
King: Davenport is up again, yelling at Watts!
JR: “Look out, look out! It’s Mommy Vera jumping into the ring with one of her daughter’s trophies! Wham! Davenport crumples to the mat! Mommy Vera picks up the still unconscious Dementieva and drops her on top of Davenport! Dementieva is starting to come to!
King: “Oh no! Ted Watts is up and starting the count!
JR: “Oh my God! Dementieva is going to steal this match!
King: “There’s the three count! It’s over! It’s over! Mommy Vera is jumping around like she won the match herself!
JR: “Well, King, I think you could say that she did!”
King: “The crowd is going wild! It’s out of control!
JR: “Unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it!
King: "Don't go away folks, we've got "Nasty" Nastya Myskina and Venus Williams coming up!"
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika Lucie Cornelia
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs