WTA Flight 2005 is now boarding . . .
(Venus sits looking out of window. Enter Sesil with flight bag)
Sesil: Mind if I sit here?
Venus: I'm sorry, this flight is for WTA players only . . .
I AM a WTA player, I kicked your ass, remember?
Venus: Kicked my ass? I don't remember getting my ass kicked, and I sure don't know who you are.
Sesil: Whatever. (she takes seat in another aisle).
(Kim is seated near the front. Amelie sits beside her)
Amelie: Hey, Kim. How do you go about defecting to Belgium?
Amelie: Well, I figure if I'm Belgian, then the FO won't be my home tournament, and I won't choke. And I wouldn't even have to learn another language.
Kim: I don't know. Being Belgian, you know, hasn't done me any, you know, good in Grand Slams, you know. Hey, where's Mary?
Amelie: Haven't you heard? She's playing in the Finals against Justine!
Kim: You're kidding! She's like, you know, even older than Lindsay!
Lindsay: Hey, I heard that!
Amelie: Where's our choke buddy Lena D.?
Kim: She's, you know, off with her mommy.
(Enter Lena D dressed as a flight attendant)
Amelie: What's up with the outfit?
Lena D: Mommy says I should start thinking about a new career. So I'm a part-time flight attendant. Can I get you something to drink?
Kim: I'd like a beer.
Amelie: Could I get some Lourdes water? Apparrently that's all Mary's drinking these days.
Lindsay: Hey, I'd like some of that too. (Thinks to herself "Cause Lord knows it's going to take a miracle to win this stupid tournament.)
Lena D. I think all we have is Evian, but I'll ask Mommy.
(As Lena D. head back to the galley, she nearly collides with Lena L.)
Lena D: What a lovely pair of tennis rackets. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Those are your ears.
Lena L. Ha ha. Good one. Did your Mom tell you to say that?
Lena D: Mommy's not the boss of me. I was out until partying last night, all the way to 10 o'clock!
(Mommy Vera's head pokes in from the first class cabin)
Mommy Vera: Hey! These champagne glasses don't just refill themselves you know!
(Lena D. scampers off like a scared puppy).
(Enter Masha, with entourage)
Okay, just set those bags of fertilizer and grass seed on the seats.
Sesil: What's with all the gardening supplies?
Masha: We are going to make sure every court We play is nice, lush green grasss. Queen Masha is not amused by clay.
Sesil: I am so going to kick your ass . . .
Masha: Ha, ha. Go away little girl, you bother us. Valet, bring us some more endorsement contracts to sign. Court Secretary, draft a note to our sister the Queen of Englad that we will be happy to take tea with her next Thursday. Court Historian, please research another 100 reasons that the French is not really a Grand Slam as we hate to lose in Grand Slams. And have that flight attendant fetch us some M&Ms, no green ones, and a Diet Coke.
(Queen Masha's lackeys transform a seat into a throne. She sits.)
(Enter Lena D with a tray. As she bends over to give Queen Masha, the tray slips from her grasp, spilling candy and cola all over the royal lap)
Masha: Ignorant Russian peasant, you did that on purpose!
Lena D: (bursting into tears) I can't help it! I just don't know how to serve!
Captain (over intercom) Please prepare for take off, and we hope you enjoy today's inflight movie, "Spring Fever" with Susan Anton and Carling Bassett . . ."