Locker Room Confrontations...AGAIN
A little bit for everyone.
"Nothing Is Sacred, For Sure"
(KIM enters the lounge. MARTINA is preparing some rice. JUSTINE is sitting at a computer. There is a locker room adjoining the lounge.)
KIM: Has Lleyton been here looking for me?
KIM: Oh, okay. (sits down at table and takes out a stationary kit)
(Enter LINDSAY and MONICA. MONICA is holding the door open for LINDSAY, who is on crutches.)
MARTINA: Hi Lindsay. Hi Monica. Would you like some water?
LINDSAY: That would be good.
MONICA: Yes, please.
(MARTINA scampers to the refrigerator...but has trouble opening the door.)
MARTINA: It's stuck!
MONICA: I'll get it. *double-grunt*
JENN: (coming in from the locker room) ARRRRRGH! What the -?Keep the goddam f*cking decimals down, I'm trying to concentrate!
JENN: Kim, I can't, like, understand French. Speak in English this time?
JUSTINE: Iím the Walloon. I speak the French.
JENN: I thought you were Belgian.
JUSTINE: Wallonia is a part of Belgium.
JENN: Like how America is part of the United States?
LINDSAY: (incredulously) What?
JUSTINE: Iím confused, for sure.
MARTINA: Jenn has a hard enough time with English herself. Kim, slow down. Justine...well, I don't know what you can do.
JENN: Which color I should wear? Blue or pink?
JUSTINE: White, for sure.
(Door Opens. Enter VENUS and SERENA with pushcarts and a huge trunk.)
KIM: Been shopping again?
SERENA: And there's still a few things I want to get on the Internet.
VENUS: What are you doing, Kim?
KIM: I'm writing "Thank You" cards to tournament directors.
SERENA: "Thank You" cards?
JENN: Yeah, I should've figured that you, like, would not, you know, know what "Thank You, like, means.
SERENA: Stop talking CRAP-riati. I know what "Thank You" means. Like last year, I said "Thank You" to Venus after she pulled out of Indian-
(a cell phone rings)
JENN: Arrrrrrrrrgh! What the f*ck, a baby next? Who? (stares around wildly)
KIM: (takes out the cell phone) Sorry. Maybe it's Lleyton. (flicks it on) Hello? Oh, okay, I'll be right there.
MONICA: Who was it?
KIM: Jelena. She needs help with her papa. See you later!
EVERYONE: Bye, Kim!
(KIM exits. VENUS and SERENA head over to the computers where JUSTINE is sitting)
SERENA: Oh My Goodness, girl, your hair is just wrong! I'd rate it a 3.5 out of potential 10 points!
JUSTINE: No, I just wear cap. Will look more best.
SERENA: No, no more caps! I'm more blonde than you are. I have some bleach. I'll help you.
JUSTINE: You mean like how Venus loses second sets to me on purpose?
SERENA: Yes, like that.
VENUS: I would help you now but I have tendonitis.
JENN: When don't you have tendonitis?
(SERENA and JUSTINE go into the locker room. ANNA and AMELIE enter.)
ANNA: It took me forever to get here. Everyone wants my autograph...and pictures!
AMELIE: It took me long to get here because Navratilova and Billie Jean were standing by the door.
MARTINA: (to Anna) How was your photo shoot?
ANNA: I have lots of photo shoots wherever I go. Iím so used to them.
MARTINA: That's because you always have the time because you lose in singles.
ANNA: They always put lots of pictures of me in magazines...and write a lot of articles too.
MARTINA: Yeah, articles about how you can't win a tournament.
SERENA: Why do you even bother playing?
LINDSAY: I would do almost anything to play again...even if I had to play like Anna.
ANNA: Hey! Iíve beaten Jenn several times.
SERENA: We all have. Itís not hard. Ask Venus.
(MARTINA shrinks away with her bowl of rice.)
JENN: I'm no wuss. I am not piss easy to beat! You know, I, like, won three of the f*cking five last slams!
LINDSAY: There's a dollar on the floor over there. I'd get it, but I can't bend.
ANNA: One dollar? Pff. I have a lot of money.
MARTINA: Because of me.
ANNA: Because I am the star and beautiful and sexy.
MONICA: It's MINE! (grabs the dollar. clasps it.) MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
LINDSAY: There's a quarter over there.
(MONICA runs after it.)
MARTINA: I'm glad she doesn't run that fast on the court...or else she would beat me.
(SERENA and JUSTINE re-enter from the locker room.)
VENUS: There's still something not quite right.
ANNA: She doesn't look enough like me.
SERENA: Justine, you need some color. (Digs through her bags) Here's some fluorescent yellow tennis shoes!
VENUS: Here's the top I wore in Melbourne last year.
JUSTINE: What this for?
VENUS: That's right, you don't have any-
MARTINA: Sleeves! You need sleeves. Or at least one...
AMELIE: I prefer shorts.
ANNA: And you need to look like me.
SERENA: There! Voila! That's better!
JUSTINE: (looking in a mirror) No, no. This for sure is not best.
JENN: Yeah, like, pink would be better. And it should be tight so, you know, people could see your, like, buff abs.
SERENA: No way! Like you should be doing any talking. Whenever I look at what you're wearing, I feel sick.
JENN: That isn't anything, like, new now, is it? Shut up, you hydrochloriac!
SERENA: That's hypochondriac. That's what I am. I always seem to get hurt. Look it up in the dictionary. You'll see my picture there!
MARTINA: You are so stupid. (chomps on her rice...but begins to choke)
SERENA: At least I have a formal education!
JENN: *cough* fashion school *cough*
MONICA: Stop fighting!
JENN: F*ck no, Santa Monica!
LINDSAY: Guys, Martina is choking!
AMELIE, JUSTINE and ANNA: We do that all the time.
VENUS: Anna, you're not good enough to choke.
JENN: *cough* Four match points *cough*
VENUS: *cough* Eight match points. *cough*
(MONICA performs the Heimlich on MARTINA. A white particle lands 3 feet away. ANNA picks it up and hands it to MARTINA.)
ANNA: You choked on this.
MARTINA: One of Venus' pearls. (stares at VENUS and SERENA)
SERENA: We don't wear beads anymore.
VENUS: Even pearls are too low for me now.
MARTINA: Then whose is it?
(EVERYONE looks around.)
LINDSAY: Ah, it's mine.
LINDSAY: Yeah, I'm trying to change my image so sponsors will pay attention to me.
SERENA: That is so sad. I rate it a 1.2.
JUSTINE: For sure.
LINDSAY: (frustrated) I'm so undeserving.
ANNA: Okay, enough about Lindsay. Let's talk about my bras!
VENUS: No, I've got something better. (opens her trunk and takes out some bandages) Look at my new bandages!
ANNA: They sparkle like diamonds!
VENUS: They ARE diamonds! I got them while I was in Antwerp. I couldnít resist them.
JUSTINE: For sure, Anvers is the diamond capitol of the world.
JENN: It's always Belfast this and Belfast that with you Belgrade Sisters.
VENUS: Uh, Jenn, that's Belgium.
JUSTINE: What I am supposed to say? We have good federations? My backhand -
MARTINA and SERENA: Noooooooo!
JUSTINE: And Kim and I are different persons. She is good girl.
AMELIE: I think you're a good girl too, Justine.
JUSTINE: Stop looking at me like that!
(NATHALIE TAUZIAT bursts in quickly followed by SAMANTHA STEVENSON.)
NATHALIE: (To Amelie) You stay away from her!
SAMANTHA: Aha! Lesbianism!
JUSTINE: Iím for sure not lesbian.
MARTINA: Hi Professor!
AMELIE: Aren't you retired?
JENN: Like, f*ck off, you mariah?
NATHALIE: Thatís pariah, you fatty. And I leave anyway - to finish my book about what itís like to play REAL tennis.
JENN: (grumbling) Itís MUSCLE! (under her breath) F*cking French b*tch!
LINDSAY: (to SAMANTHA) And you? (staredown)
JENN: (to AMELIE) You're a f*cking lesbian.
AMELIE: I'm not f*cking right nowÖbut if you're interested...
JENN: F*cking hell, no!
(LLEYTON HEWITT enters.)
EVERYONE: Hi Kim!
LLEYTON: No, I'm Lleyton.
LINDSAY: Sorry. It's just that you two look awfully similar.
LLEYTON: How so?
VENUS: You don't see the resemblance?
LLEYTON: Look at me. You tell me what the similarities are!
VENUS: Um, I don't think Iím going to answer that.
SERENA: Yeah. No comment.
LLEYTON: I guess Kim isn't here.
LINDSAY: She's out helping Jelena with something.
LLEYTON: Oh, okay. (EXITS)
ANNA: I don't know what Kim sees in him.
JENN: Even like my brother and me don't look that much like, alike, like, you know. It's like invest.
ANNA: Invest is what Charles Schwab does for me.
JENN: Charles Schwab is your brother?
ANNA: You're thinking of incest!
JENN: Isn't that how I get when Iím oncourt?
LINDSAY: That's incensed.
JENN: Oh. But what does my getting mad have to do with Lleyton?
LINDSAY: It doesn't have anything to do with Lleyton.
MARTINA: Heís not even half a man.
MARTINA: I would cast him off, that's what I'd do...and find a new man. He's such a little boy.
JUSTINE: Size doesn't matter. You, for sure, should know that.
MARTINA: And he talks to that Mr. Fist thing.
SERENA: I'm sure you're familiar with a lot of Mr. Fists.
EVERYONE BUT MONICA: Ewwwwwwwwww.
MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?
AMELIE: If I was dating Lleyton, I would pretend that he's Kim.
LINDSAY: Amelie, could you think silently from now on. Please?
MONICA: I don't get it?
SERENA: Consider yourself lucky.
JENN: I didn't figure Jebediah's Witnesses knew that sort of stuff.
JENN: Jeh-ova? Didn't I, like, beat that bitch in the first round? There are, like, so many of them f*cking -ova's around, you know.
VENUS: Jehovah is God.
ANNA: No, I am the goddess.
SERENA: No, you got it all wrong: My sister is the goddess.
MARTINA: I am No. 1 on the Gold Exempt list. I'm the one everyone wants!
LINDSAY: I finished No. 1 last year.
LINDSAY: I'm so undeserving.
MONICA: What's Mr. Fist?
(KIM enters, carting cases of liquor)
KIM: I'm baaack!
LINDSAY: Where'd you get all that?
KIM: Jelena asked me to get this out of her hotel room. Her dad (motions "drinky, drinky")
LINDSAY: Why isn't Jelena HERE with us?
KIM: She said the lounge was too far away. Hey, Lindsay, check this bottle out!
(KIM hands a champagne bottle to LINDSAY. LINDSAY laughs.)
LINDSAY: (READS) To drink when Jelena defeats Davenport. That's not likely to happen. He must be drunk.
(Hands bottle back to KIM.)
KIM: (shaking the bottle mischievously) Cool. (Pops the cork out.)
SERENA: Owwwwwwww! You got me in the eye! I'm injured again!
KIM: Sorry. I'll visit you in the hospital during my next trip to visit sick children.
SERENA: Couldn't you have aimed it at JENN's stomach?
JENN: Hey, thatís muscle!
VENUS: Can't you show some empathy? Serenaís hurt.
MARTINA: Empathy? What's "empathy?"
(KIM sprays everyone with champagne.)
AMELIE: (sorting through the rest of the drinks) I can make some cocktails from some of these.
JENN: *cough* COCKtails *cough*
SERENA: Jenn, are you sick?
JENN: About as sick as you are. Ah, Serena, why are you, like, you know, limping? I mean, Kim, like, hit you in your goddam eye!
SERENA: I'm a hypochondriac! How many times do I have to tell you?
JENN: Kim is speaking French again!
KIM: Idon'tspeakFrench; Ispeak FLEMISH! AndIwasjustspeakingin ENGLISH!
JUSTINE: I speak the French.
JENN: Yeah, that's right. Because you're the Balloon from Bologna.
VENUS: WALLOON from WALLONIA.
JUSTINE: Wallonne de la Wallonie.
AMELIE: And THAT was just French.
VENUS: Bologna is in Italy! Ask your dad about it.
JUSTINE: (taking out the Wallon flag) This is for sure the flag de la Wallonie.
JENN: Are you sure?
JUSTINE: For sure, I'm sure...for sure.
JENN: Isn't that your sponsor? Le Coq -?
AMELIE: Could we stop talking about cocks? This is so boring.
MARTINA: To you, maybe.
AMELIE: (handing a drink to VENUS) Would you like a drink?
VENUS: No. I'm tired of swallowing.
SERENA: Martina , I hear that you like to swallow a lot of --
MARTINA: Speaking of cocktails...
(DANIELA HANTUCHOVA enters.)
DANIELA: Hi everyone!
EVERYONE: Hi Daniela!
DANIELA: I need some pearls to go with my cocktail dress, um, I mean, tennis outfit.
MARTINA: Lindsay has beads.
VENUS: I don't have pearls. But I can lend you some diamonds if you promise to practice with Martina and Justine again.
VENUS: (opens her trunk) Let's see.
(MARTINA looks over her shoulder.)
MARTINA: Hey! What's this!!! (Pulls out a Chucky doll with pins stuck in it.) Explain this!
JENN: There's, like, one of me too!
KIM: My arm!
AMELIE: My head!
JUSTINE: For sure, my head also.
MONICA: Mine is FAT!
SERENA: You have one of me too...and itís pressed in the stomach!
ANNA: Thereís not one for me!
VENUS: (calmly) I made them as presents for all of you.
MARTINA: You didn't make mine! You bought mine.
VENUS: No, Martina, thatís what you really look like.
LINDSAY: I'm missing a leg!
VENUS: I worked on yours first.
SERENA: Oh, and not mine?!
VENUS: Well, notice how ugly Lindsay's is? I practiced working on hers first.
LINDSAY: I can be a real bitch you know. (throws down crutches and begins to WALK towards VENUS.)
VENUS: I can explain. Just let me get out of the room first. (Backs toward the door...which suddenly opens.)
(TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR enters.)
TD: Hi girls.
VENUS: Hi. Um, why don't we have equal pay?
TD: (completely off-guard and nervous) Well, that's because, well, you see...
VENUS: Get him!
(The PLAYERS close in on the poor unfortunate tournament director.)