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Article: Digestive Mediciation Companies to sue Capriati
Digestive Mediciation Companies to sue Capriati
by April Phools
In a stunning move, Pepto Bismol, Tums, Prilosec, Nexium, Pepcid and Mylanta will sue tennis star Jennifer Capriati for $50 million. Since the three time Grand Slam winner has been out with a shoulder injury, every digestive medication’s sales have plummeted by a whopping 40%.
“Jennifer Capriati is one of the most popular tennis players in the world and always has her fans on the edge,” said Pepto Bismol CEO John Beano. “That leaves us with millions of people around the world who are no longer getting persistent heartburn, gas, and other digestive disorders.”
“She had better come back, or we’ll be out of business!” said Nexium CEO Tommy Hurtz.
In response to the lawsuit, Capriati said, “It’s not my fault all my fans get sick when I play! I’ve provided fans with some of the most thrilling matches ever, and this is the thanks I get? Man, if they’re getting diarrhea and heartburn because I make them so nervous, maybe they should root for someone who is more boring and predictable!”
Capriati has decided to counter sue all the companies for defamation of character and image. She believes justice will be served, “by the time this is all done, the only people needing Pepto will be those creeps who are suing me!”
"I resolve to get arrested for indecent exposure," Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe on 24).
Last edited by JennyS; Apr 1st, 2005 at 04:42 PM.