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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 01:26 AM Thread Starter
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Not the Locker Room

A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

SerenaTowelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!

Mary P: My matches always last a good long time.

Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing.

Jelena D: I just like to cut down on my hotel bills. Nowadays I never plan to stay more than one night at any tournament.

ELENA OPENS A LOCKER DOOR AND SCREAMS.

Mary P: What is it?

ELENA POINTS AS JUSTINE H. STAGGERS OUT OF THE LOCKER.

Justine H: Daylight. I feel so weak.. Must sit down.

Mary P: You look so pale. And what are those two red marks on your neck?

Justine H: (Feels her neck) I don't know.. I was just talking to Anastasia, and then I remember nothing...

Anastasia M: (Coming sheepishly out of Locker) The light! It is so harsh!

Elena D: What were you doing in that locker with Justine?

Anastasia M: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Elena D: Is that blood running down from the corner of your mouth?

Anastasia M: (Wipes it away and sucks her finger hungrily). No. Of course not, my children of the night. It's wine.

Anna P (enters) Hello Anastasia. I still feel so weak since our last meeting, with these cramps, but I got your message to meet you here. You were going to tell me about Transylvania...

Anastasia M: No. Not Transylvania. I don't come from Transylvania. Not even near there. I was going to talk about TASMANIA, next year. Will you play doubles?

Elena D: Look, Anna has those strange marks on her neck too. They look like bite marks.

Anastasia M: Nonsense. You need your eyes testing. Then you might be able to see the service line!

Anna P: No. You DID say Transylvania. You said you had a place in the forest there.

Anastasia M: No. That was PENNSYLVANIA - I own the whole place. Picked it up from my winnings in Moscow. I got lots of change too.

Venus: Ah. Here comes Meghann. She'll be able to sort this mess out.

Meghann S: How so?

Venus: Well if you can lose a set from 5-2 up, then you can do just about anything!
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 01:33 AM
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.. but Elena was the lucky one against Anna not Nastya

fuck.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc
A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

SerenaTowelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!

Mary P: My matches always last a good long time.

Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing.

Jelena D: I just like to cut down on my hotel bills. Nowadays I never plan to stay more than one night at any tournament.

ELENA OPENS A LOCKER DOOR AND SCREAMS.

Mary P: What is it?

ELENA POINTS AS JUSTINE H. STAGGERS OUT OF THE LOCKER.

Justine H: Daylight. I feel so weak.. Must sit down.

Mary P: You look so pale. And what are those two red marks on your neck?

Justine H: (Feels her neck) I don't know.. I was just talking to Anastasia, and then I remember nothing...

Anastasia M: (Coming sheepishly out of Locker) The light! It is so harsh!

Elena D: What were you doing in that locker with Justine?

Anastasia M: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Elena D: Is that blood running down from the corner of your mouth?

Anastasia M: (Wipes it away and sucks her finger hungrily). No. Of course not, my children of the night. It's wine.

Anna P (enters) Hello Anastasia. I still feel so weak since our last meeting, with these cramps, but I got your message to meet you here. You were going to tell me about Transylvania...

Anastasia M: No. Not Transylvania. I don't come from Transylvania. Not even near there. I was going to talk about TASMANIA, next year. Will you play doubles?

Elena D: Look, Anna has those strange marks on her neck too. They look like bite marks.

Anastasia M: Nonsense. You need your eyes testing. Then you might be able to see the service line!

Anna P: No. You DID say Transylvania. You said you had a place in the forest there.

Anastasia M: No. That was PENNSYLVANIA - I own the whole place. Picked it up from my winnings in Moscow. I got lots of change too.

Venus: Ah. Here comes Meghann. She'll be able to sort this mess out.

Meghann S: How so?

Venus: Well if you can lose a set from 5-2 up, then you can do just about anything!
this is one of the f**ing funniest things that i ever read in my life. if you made this yourself man you rock you are a genius. this is my fav part :
"Jennifer: Yes. That's because it takes you twenty friggin minutes between each serve! You should serve like me.

Elena D: I do. It doesn't help. I'm down to 17% first serves some sets.

Jelena D: My serve isn't working too well either.

Serena: I didn't know you were here in Paris. I thought you'd pulled out.

Jennifer: She did - just after her latest First Round thrashing."
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 01:42 AM
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Great stuff! So, it's been Count Myskina behind all Justine's problems, eh?

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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 04:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc
A fun thread for FICTION about tennis players interacting in the Locker room at RG. Any relation to reality is totally coincidental.


The Locker Room, Roland Garros, 2004.

SerenaTowelling down) It's so bad.

Venus: What's bad?

Serena: My matches are over so quick I never get to stay on TV long enough for people to appreciate my fashions.

Venus: I'd have thought that was a good thing. Why can't you get yourself clothes the right size? The material in that dress is under so much stress it needs treatment with novocaine!

That would explain why Serena semi-tanked the second set today.....

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord." -- Proverbs 18:22

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." -- Herb Brooks

"A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life." -- Muhammad Ali
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 11:54 AM
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Lindsay: And then she served. And the ball went over the net. and I waaatched it... until I fell asleep. So she aced me.

Elena D: UDACHI!!! YAY!!!

Lindsay: My knee hurt, you little Russian skank!

Anastasia, Sveta, Masha, and Lena: WHAT???

Lindsay: Never mind.

Sesil K: Why, hello, underlings. Enjoy your last year of French Open glory.

Serena: Hey, junior, I think the middle school is that way. Grrr... just how hard IS it to adjust a tiara? Stupid CHEAP thing! I only paid $500 for it! I knew I should have bought the one with the warranty! And the colur was a shade off my outfit anyway. It was more cerise than magenta... or should I have gone the other way and got a silver-

Venus: Serena?

Serena: Yeah?

Venus: Please shut up.

Serena: Make me.

Venus: I saw you behind the concession stand at Amelia Island with-

Serena: I'll be quiet.

Marlene: Hi.

Lindsay: Who are you?

Marlene: Why, I'm Marlene Weingartner. (hands Lindsay brochure intitled
The Lives, Times, Tennis, SAT scores, Favourite Foods, and Musical Accomplishment of Marlene Weingartner)

Lindsay: Wayne-gartner?

Marlene: VINE-gartner.

Magdalena: Who the heck are you?

Marlene: Read the brochure, and you'll find out. The commentators are loving them, just in case I advance to the final and they have to talk about me.

Paola: HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Marlene: Shaddup.

Jen: Oh yeah. I, like, remember when that, you know, Mary Joe Fernandez-

Lindsay: CLARISA Fernandez, Jen.

Jen: Whatever. Well, she gave me one of those brochures and yeah.

Amélie: AU SECOURS!

Lindsay: What is it?

Amélie: Les Français! If I lose I will be DISMEMBERED! Zey will deport me to Oklahoma! Zey will make me pose nude for Paris Match! Zey-

Serena: After they dismember you? That wouldn't be very sexy.

Amélie: AVANT! Oh mon Dieu, let some scaffolding fall on me and break my ankle. I cannot go out there!

Lindsay: Oh, it's okay. The worst that can happen is you'll lose.

Amélie:EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Venus: Nice one, Lindsay.

Marlene: But enough about me, now let's talk about my ambitions.

Sesil: Shaddup.

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down
And this town ain't never gonna be the same.
Cause I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls, they are so pretty...

All
ez Amélie!

"My coach told me I had to expect, you know, some long rallies and stuff. So, you know, I was ready for this."
--Amelie Mauresmo breaking down the intricate nature of Team Mauresmo coaching strategies.

Last edited by Mariangelina; May 30th, 2004 at 12:06 PM.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 12:17 PM
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Kim Clijsters
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 12:32 PM
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Pamela Shriver: Hey ho's, u all heard about moi?

Girls: No!

Pamela Shriver: After much thought and consideration, I have decised to follow in Navvies footsteps and attempt a Wimbledon comback.

(some girls, including Daniela Hantuchova, shirek in horror)

JuJu: For sure, we don't want another 70 year olds on this tour, **** *** you cripple.

Shriver: Oh, hey, hows the hand?

(JuJu and Shriver have a bitch fight on the floor)

Stevenson walks in

Alex: You lot still playing on the dirt, I have far better things to do.

(Matinez comes out of the shower naked)

Conchi: Get the hell out of here, only girls who win matches are allowed in here. OUT, or ill give you all a sample of my pole dancing. Danieela can be the "Pole".

(All the girls, exept Raymond, who sticks her tongue out, scream and run off)

Women's tennis sucks.
~


Go Rafa.

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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 12:44 PM
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 12:55 PM
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Lindsay to Elena: Nice win today, your serve has improved a lot, but no offence like, you wudnt have had a hope in hell of beating me fully fit today.

Elena: Oh, yeah, sure, like you were injured in Amelia island that time.

Lindsay: Listen here, you shut your gob, or this whole 6ft 2ins and a half will shut it for u, u smelly russian.

(Lindsay walkes off leaving Elena gobsmacked)

Serena to Myskina: Nice teath

Myskina: Almost as nice as your outfit, and take it from me, it really is an "Out" "Fit".

Venus: Don't diss my sister ho.

Maria: Shut it tablecloth, or ill dish you out another defeat.

I would do more, but the grand Prix is on!

Women's tennis sucks.
~


Go Rafa.

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by selesport
Pamela Shriver: Hey ho's, u all heard about moi?

Girls: No!

Pamela Shriver: After much thought and consideration, I have decised to follow in Navvies footsteps and attempt a Wimbledon comback.

(some girls, including Daniela Hantuchova, shirek in horror)

JuJu: For sure, we don't want another 70 year olds on this tour, **** *** you cripple.

Shriver: Oh, hey, hows the hand?

(JuJu and Shriver have a bitch fight on the floor)

Stevenson walks in

Alex: You lot still playing on the dirt, I have far better things to do.

(Matinez comes out of the shower naked)

Conchi: Get the hell out of here, only girls who win matches are allowed in here. OUT, or ill give you all a sample of my pole dancing. Danieela can be the "Pole".

(All the girls, exept Raymond, who sticks her tongue out, scream and run off)

http://i62.tinypic.com/xdrx1h.jpg

"I want to do things on my own terms, I can't have anything take me out.
I have never given up and it's important for me to prove to myself that I can do this, and to prove to me that i'm a champion.
If I were just to sit down, lay down and give in, then I wouldn't have any respect for myself."
VW
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old May 30th, 2004, 02:19 PM
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Oh dear goodness!!! TOO FUNNY *fell off chair dead*

WAYNE-GARTNER!!! I used to think that was how you pronounced it too "Conchita steps out the shower naked* Now that would warrant another, "disgusting bitch" quote

"誰も私を止める停が出来なかったか"
- Jinpachi Mishima
- Jedah Douma
"恐れてはいけない. 私は最初であり, 最後である"
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old May 31st, 2004, 04:08 AM Thread Starter
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Anastasia M: (Stares) Look into my eyes. You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Svetlana K: I... am... going... to... lose.. You.. are.. invincible..

Anastasia M: (Clicks fingers) Okay. You can wake up now.

Svetlana K: (Looks startled) Oh! Where am I? Hello Nasty.

Anastasia M: I am NOT Nasty!

Lindsay D: That's not what your coach says. Last time I saw him, he was saying that you were a bad tempered, foul-mouthed, n...

Anastasia M: Shaddup! You're next on my list. (Storms out)

Lindsay D: That thing Anastasia was doing. I need to try that. Hey Elena!

ELENA D APPROACHES

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: Why? Have you got a squint?

Lindsay D: No! Just do as I say, dammit!

Elena D: Okay. But my Mum warned me about this sort of thing.

Lindsay D: Look into my eyes.

Elena D: You already said that.

Lindsay D: Okay. Just look at me and repeat: You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Elena D: (Stares) You are going to lose. I am invincible.

Lindsay D: I... am... going... to.. lose... You.. are.. invincible...

Elena D: I've got no more time for this. (stands) I have to practice my 2nd serve. Perhaps I could keep my eyes open when I hit it...

Maria S (enters): Hello everyone. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful tournament. What a wonderful world! It's really so great being here and playing so well. I could just kiss everyone. You know I really think I could go all the way this time. I've got so much confidence and self-belief, you know? If I don't lose, I can't be defeated. Or is it the other way round. Anyway I'm just so excited I could...

Everyone: Shaddup!!
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old May 31st, 2004, 12:15 PM
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Can't get enough...

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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old May 31st, 2004, 12:41 PM
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Doc and Sphenx, great thread and posts!!!!!
Keep them comming, pls!!!
Wanna do more

TOP 10
1.MARTINA HINGIS
2.Meghann Shaughnessy
3.Elena Dementieva
4.Kim Clijsters
5.Ana Ivanovic
6.Anastasia Miskina
7.Patty Schnyder
8.Katarina Srebotnik
9.Andreja Klepac
10.Masa Zec-Peskiric
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