As promised I've (attempted!) to write a new locker-room confrontation! This is my first go at this, so I'll apologise in advance if its a really lame attempt. But, even if it gives one of you guys a laugh, then I guess its worth it
. Here goes.......
PS: In Australia, Lleyton has been on all these ads advertising toilet paper, so if you havn't seen the adds you might not get what I'm on about in some parts!!!
Setting the scene: Women's locker/shower/change room at the Australian Open Grand Slam Tournament.
Women's Tennis.....At Its Best!!
: (Seriously) So, you guys have any advise on how to win these things?
(Everyone stifles a laugh)
: Listen blondie, I think you need to have something terrible happen to you, retreat from the tennis world....then make a comeback
! It worked very well for Jennifer and Monica.
: Yeah, I could hook you up with a derranged fan to stab you.
: Or I could just take you out with my Oversized Novelty Boobs!
: Venus, why the hell are you wearing only one earing?!
: Well Jen, its my coaches new tactic. I wear one earing when I'm playing singles and two
earings when I'm playing doubles. That way I know which game I'm playing....simple really!
: So, its not a fashion statement, its just because you havn't got much between the ears!! I knew it!!!
: Oh shut up Crappy...you're just jealous because you know you could never pull off a look like this....let alone get past the first round. I'd stick to your hair clips if I were you!
: Oh! Fine then....Serena, would you mind taking out your sister with your Oversized Novelty Boobs!
: Speaking of tactics....genius Kim was just showing off her splits move until she....well....got stuck!
(Kim, showing how she can reach out for any ball by well...doing side splits on court, is now on the floor stuck in a full splits!)
: C'mon. I'm soooo nice to all of you guys, can't you help me get up? Please. Pretty please with a cherry on top....
: I don't think Serena's Oversized Novelty Boobs can help you out of this one my dear. What can we doooo?
(Throws hands up in dismay)
(Lleyton jumps out from around the corner, fists in the air)
: OK sweetie, I'm pumped and ready to go!
: That's great honey, but first do you think you could help me get....unstuck?
: Sure! I'll just go and get some Super Soft Sorbent Toilet Paper. We'll throw a roll up over that hook on the roof, pass it under your....legs....and then we'll hoist you up!
: Honey, you know that I'd never doubt your amazing talent and ingenuity, but somehow I don't think this brainwave is going to work.
: Don't worry sweetie, Sorbent toilet paper now comes in extra long rolls, and its sooo soft and strong and.....
: Honey, that's great, but right now I'd like a little less conversation, a little more action.
: (Really keen) OK!!!!
: No honey, not that
....maybe later....just get me up
from here first!
Andy Roddick and girlfriend Mandy Moore walk in. Andy is looking quite
: Hi girls!
: Oh look...its Andy Pandy and his Mandy.
(Everyone gives a collective groan!)
: Mandy wanted to see just how dandy everything was in here with you girls.
: That's right.
: And I just came in here to....well...get a little randy.
: Sorry candy!
: Mandy, do you want me to take him out with my Oversized Novelty Boobs?!
: That's very sweet of you but....
: ....hey I'm
the sweetest girl round here!
: ....OK, anyway Serena, he may be a jerk sometimes but I still want him to be alive
for God's sake!
(Andy Pandy and Candy Mandy kiss and make-up. Exit locker room)
Suddenly a large, dark shadow descends over the locker room.
[B]Damir Dokic[/U]: Fee fi fo fum....I smell the blood of an Englishman!
: Ahhhh! Its RT's mutant father!
: What can he want with us?!
: He probably wants to change his daughter's nationality.....AGAIN!
: OK, don't panic. We're going to need a full front line to combat his wrath.
(Standing on a bench, giving orders)
Ok, we're going to need Serena up front with her Oversized Novelty Boobs. Lindsay, I want you to grab Anna K's plait and swing her over your head, ready to throw her at Damir at a moments notice. Someone get me Agassi, we could blind Damir with the light from Agassi's head....
: Pity Pete Sampras isn't here...we could have caught Damir in all his hair!
: Good thought, but never mind....We need an Englishman, someone get me Tim Henman. We can sacrifice him, its not like he's ever
going to win Wimbledon! And somebody get me some boobs!!!!!
Well, it was touch and go for a minute but the WTA managed to defeat the evil Damir Dokic! Perhaps this really is women's tennis.....at its best!